Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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