Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
