I wish I could punch you in the face.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I would ride that face into the sunset
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
