I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
So many bounce houses so little time
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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