He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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