Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
as a side note pls kill me
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
