I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Sext me about skeletons
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
