I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
