There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
