put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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