The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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