Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Girls should come with a carfax report
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
dude. I can hear the air.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
