Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
