i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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