I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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