That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
