I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Ladies don't puke and tell
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
