The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
