How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
