when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Randomize