id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
