remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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