I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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