I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
