I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
