I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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