it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I could make wine with my vomit
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
