I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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