I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
