I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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