If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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