I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize