kristin has been a bad kristin
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
