i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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