I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
