Sorry, I don't speak sober.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
