The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
