Jerry, you need to find god
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
