Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
