I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
