Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize