What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
