Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
