i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
