my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
