Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
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