then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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