Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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