Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
