***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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