my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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