angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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