I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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