Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
