My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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