I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
