I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
