Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
We need to get me chipped asap
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
