Umm I'm too high to move.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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