Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
